People who buy 4x4 trucks & slow to a damn-near stop to go over speed bumps.
Seriously? What didja buy the thing for? Newsflash: The whole point of a truck is to easily handle bumpy things. If you're going crawl over speedbumps, you should have bought a Pinto and not cause accidents by stopping your schoolbus-sized SUV short to daintily pop over speedbumps. You are a doofus.
People who can't keep their word.
For the freakin' love, people, don't make promises you can't keep. Don't say you'll take care of something and then don't. Especially when I offered to take care of it or help you do it. Okay? There are people out there that want to take credit for doing something so they can be a martyr or get some kind of extra credit, but when it comes down to actually getting it done, they don't. So instead of looking responsible and capable they look like an ass and now it's a crisis that I end up handling anyway. Thanks for nothing. If you weren't going to do it, Why the fuck did you waste your breath and my time? This is why I hate leaving important tasks for others to do, because I know that no matter how much sleep I lose, how much I sacrifice, if I've made a commitment, I'm going to follow through because someone is counting on me to keep my word. Sadly, others aren't as diligent, and this past week the old adage 'if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself' proved itself once again. People, understand this: If you're not up to a task asked of you by someone, say so. You'll be respected a helluva lot more for being able to admit as much then, than let someone down completely when they counted on you!
People who make simple tasks complicated.
Life is complicated enough. Life throws enough curveballs. You always have to expect the unexpected, especially when it comes to something really important. DO NOT take something that is fool-proof, requires simple common-sense execution and make it any more difficult than it needs to be, okay? Maybe you're a masochist and this is how you have to function in order to have the required self-inflicted chaos in your life, but don't include me and the shit I need to get done in that process. I like having some foresight and getting things done in a orderly, timely fashion with as little bullshit as possible, and I have little patience for those who think there is some sort of miracle alternative. THERE ISN'T. Things may not go as planned, but if you at least HAD a plan and tried sticking to it, it's amazing what additional headaches you will manage to avoid. I don't like being unprepared and end up the one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Maybe you think that's fun, but it isn't. It's just STUPID. If this is how you function as a rule, let me know early on that your life is sailing along on a wing and a prayer before we plan anything together more complicated than dinner.
People who have a problem with dogs living inside houses with their humans.
I was on this board where a couple of people went on about how dogs only belong outside because of how disgusting they are, how they lick each other, loose hair, etc. etc. what burns my biscuits even more are those people who feel that way...and have small children (the most disgusting, dirt-encrusted, germ-spreading creatures EVER no matter how cute they are) and cats (especially those humans who allow their cats outside). Are we kidding? A cat licks himself too - and all over, I might add - and do I even have to bring up the whole litterbox situation? Ick. Very hypocritical. Sure, dogs may sniff or lick another dog's butt and then want to lick your face to show their submission and affection as their instinct dictates, but here's another newsflash (wow, two newsflashes in one Pet Peeve, go me) you don't have to let them. The other thing that gets my panties in a bunch are the people who go on about how disgusting dogs are because of the whole ass-to-face factor. I just wanna ask - honey, where was YOUR face an hour ago? Wasn't it square up YOUR man's ass during the love gymnastics? And just where did you stick that finger last? Did you wash your hands after that elephant-like dump you just took? Hmmm? I love crusty, nasty humans who think their stink and filth is better than an animal. Loose hair? I've come across people who shed like wild yaks and have their hair all over the place, but apparently, that's okay. Bullshit. As I wrote in response, "I would rather be in a house with a clean, silent, well-behaved pet than be in a house full of disgusting, ill-mannered humans and their kids. Period!" Yup.
Britney.
I was rooting for her to make a comeback. I really was. She's had a tough couple of years and people have had waaay too much fun kicking her while she was down and she had my sympathy. Like many others, I was suckered into watching some of the MTV interview with her and after killing some viable brain cells I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't deserve a comeback. She doesn't. If you take away what made her a star, and took away her beauty and her money she is no different from any other dumb, self-destructive, finger-pointing, low-class trollop who continues to make bad choices but will blame everyone else but herself for her situation. She says she is a smart person, but it's pretty apparent she isn't. I do feel that her level of fame would make anyone a little nuts (e.g. Michael Jackson) and the paparazzi are completely out of control and contributed to the loss of her grip on reality. However it doesn't change the 'stuck-on-stupid' she is. She has the money and resources to be able to handle things better, but she'd rather go shopping and go to Starbucks than try to deal with her issues. She is now blaming her ex for certain things regarding their childrens' upbringing and says they need 'a father figure'. Um, no, they need a mother who isn't an idiot. And P.S. - he has custody, not you, because you lost custody for being unfit, so maybe you should leave that subject alone, okay? No, K-Fed/Fed Ex is no prize, but you got urped by him anyway - twice - right? This is exactly why stupid people should not be allowed to breed no matter how much money they have *coughParisHiltoncough*. Oh, and I loved it when she said people "shave their heads all the time". WHAT? Really? Women adding hair, yes. Shaving their head frequently? Not so much. Good Lawd, what is wrong with this girl? Britney, good luck with the comeback - many talented people never get the chance at all much less a second chance. But until you get a really good shrink and get your shit right, you'll be back in the psych ward drooling and babbling before you finish your next tour, and all of the money, makeup artists, hair extensions and songwriters won't help cushion the fall.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Pet Peeves #13 - (originally posted approx. 11/2/08)
WTF? Why can't famous people have an opinion?
I love it when dumbasses say things like, "So and so is just an actor/musician, why would they think their opinion matters?" It amazes me how retarded people can be. Just because someone acts or otherwise performs in some entertainment medium, they can't have an opinion on anything of significance? Why not? Every person on this planet is entitled to their opinion and can voice it by any means necessary. If I had the ability and the celebrity to champion a cause I felt strongly about and it gets media play, why wouldn't I take advantage of that? There are plenty of people who have dumb opinions who aren't celebrities, so why is their take acceptable? Because no one gives a shit who they are? C'mon. I bring this up because Doc Coyle of the band God Forbid made no bones of his dislike of John McCain. Following a political debate, Doc, in a column he writes, called McCain a racist. This got posted on Blabbermouth.net, eliciting responses from the usual gang of idiots that post under dumb names and probably keep a pee bottle by their computer so they don't have to miss a post the second one goes up. They were ragging Doc, saying he was stupid, and he was a dumb musician and his band sucks so why would anyone care what he thinks, blah blah blah. I love the ones that call him stupid, but then say they were purposely going to vote for McCain just because Doc said not to. That was real intelligent and displays some serious forward-thinking there, lollipop! How old are you? And we wonder why other countries laugh at us.
PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS!
Some cities have begun issuing tickets for the asscrack attack known as 'baggin', and I LOVE it! This is a shoutout to those 'baggin' mofuckas who feel that they can't be seen in the street unless their back pockets are warming the backs of their knees. Why is this considered cool? Why hasn't this appalling trend died already? I don't care if you wear boxers or briefs, and not for nothin', I don't care what brand they are. If you are ugly and you have any ugly ass, I wouldn't care if the brand was Versace and the waistband is lined with diamonds. It's called having some class...and buying a belt. Once I saw two baggin' Fred Durst wannabes crossing Woodhaven Blvd. and I took great pleasure in slamming on the gas watching them grabbing their pants up and trying to run (one ended up cleaning the left side of my car with his butt. Awesome). No wonder bigger guys can't find any pants that fit - morons who wear size 34 are buying 40's so we can see their Vertical Coinslot. PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP, or I swear, I'm gonna start going on a Wedgie Rampage with a pair of pliers.
Too much cologne!
I like a man that smells good. But guys, really, you don't have to bathe in or drink the stuff in order for it to be effective, okay? I sat behind this guy on the bus the other day and he had on so much cologne it snapped my head back. DUDE! C'MON! He had so much on, it's was literally burning my nostrils from the fumes. This wasn't just a one-day event either, we take the same bus home and he overdoes it with the manperfume EVERY DAY. Look, I'd rather smell a little bit of a hard day's work on a man than be choked by his cologne. If your natural aroma is that bad, homie, then take midday bird bath in the bathroom, k? And if you must put on cologne, seriously - a dab will do ya!
Stupid names
Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson welcomed a new baby into the world. The name given to the long-awaited child? Bronx Mowgli. Geez. Of course you have the other dumb names given to celeb children like Pilot Inspektor, Zuma, Brooklyn, Kal-el, Romeo, Apple and Reign Beau. I guess celebs figure since the kid will be set for life and will live in a protective bubble they don't have to worry about what other people think or will treat them. Unlike...
...Stupid Ghetto Names. My people. Seriously. You don't have to name your child Jane Doe but fer shit's sake, what are some of you thinking? I believe it was Chris Rock who once said (and yes, I'm paraphrasing) "Why would you name your kid something like that? At least let the kid get TO the job interview!". With so many White employers coming right out and saying they'd rather hire a White, uneducated ex-con than an educated, never-incarcerated Black man, why would you name your kid Daykwan Marquis or LaQuita Emerald knowing once an employer sees that on a resume, ain't making that call? My least favorite ghetto name ever was bestowed on a football player - D'Brickashaw. WTF is that? WHYWHYWHY? Good thing he was lucky enough to go professional, huh? My new least favorite female name was just found yesterday. Le-a. No, it's not pronounced Leah, Lea or Leeya. It's LEDASHA. That's right, because to quote the mother, "the dash don't be silent".
Jesus H. Christ, make it stop.
My name? No, it didn't top the Popular Girls Name list, but it's been around for centuries. Doesn't make it any less odd, but it ain't DUMB, like a former co-worker who named his child Anquette Mahogany. No, I'm not kidding. Wanna be different? Okay, find an uncommon name that actually exists in a baby name book; stop combining your name and the baby daddy name because it's two times the stupid, stop doing that pseudo-French shit and give anything that starts with "La" and "Da" a rest. I understand that you want your child to be considered special and unique (don't you wanna slap someone who actually names their kid "Unique"?), but it really just screams "low-income-uneducated-minority". If that's what you're going for, then maybe you should set your sights a little higher...at least for the kid's sake.
I love it when dumbasses say things like, "So and so is just an actor/musician, why would they think their opinion matters?" It amazes me how retarded people can be. Just because someone acts or otherwise performs in some entertainment medium, they can't have an opinion on anything of significance? Why not? Every person on this planet is entitled to their opinion and can voice it by any means necessary. If I had the ability and the celebrity to champion a cause I felt strongly about and it gets media play, why wouldn't I take advantage of that? There are plenty of people who have dumb opinions who aren't celebrities, so why is their take acceptable? Because no one gives a shit who they are? C'mon. I bring this up because Doc Coyle of the band God Forbid made no bones of his dislike of John McCain. Following a political debate, Doc, in a column he writes, called McCain a racist. This got posted on Blabbermouth.net, eliciting responses from the usual gang of idiots that post under dumb names and probably keep a pee bottle by their computer so they don't have to miss a post the second one goes up. They were ragging Doc, saying he was stupid, and he was a dumb musician and his band sucks so why would anyone care what he thinks, blah blah blah. I love the ones that call him stupid, but then say they were purposely going to vote for McCain just because Doc said not to. That was real intelligent and displays some serious forward-thinking there, lollipop! How old are you? And we wonder why other countries laugh at us.
PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS!
Some cities have begun issuing tickets for the asscrack attack known as 'baggin', and I LOVE it! This is a shoutout to those 'baggin' mofuckas who feel that they can't be seen in the street unless their back pockets are warming the backs of their knees. Why is this considered cool? Why hasn't this appalling trend died already? I don't care if you wear boxers or briefs, and not for nothin', I don't care what brand they are. If you are ugly and you have any ugly ass, I wouldn't care if the brand was Versace and the waistband is lined with diamonds. It's called having some class...and buying a belt. Once I saw two baggin' Fred Durst wannabes crossing Woodhaven Blvd. and I took great pleasure in slamming on the gas watching them grabbing their pants up and trying to run (one ended up cleaning the left side of my car with his butt. Awesome). No wonder bigger guys can't find any pants that fit - morons who wear size 34 are buying 40's so we can see their Vertical Coinslot. PULL YOUR DAMN PANTS UP, or I swear, I'm gonna start going on a Wedgie Rampage with a pair of pliers.
Too much cologne!
I like a man that smells good. But guys, really, you don't have to bathe in or drink the stuff in order for it to be effective, okay? I sat behind this guy on the bus the other day and he had on so much cologne it snapped my head back. DUDE! C'MON! He had so much on, it's was literally burning my nostrils from the fumes. This wasn't just a one-day event either, we take the same bus home and he overdoes it with the manperfume EVERY DAY. Look, I'd rather smell a little bit of a hard day's work on a man than be choked by his cologne. If your natural aroma is that bad, homie, then take midday bird bath in the bathroom, k? And if you must put on cologne, seriously - a dab will do ya!
Stupid names
Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson welcomed a new baby into the world. The name given to the long-awaited child? Bronx Mowgli. Geez. Of course you have the other dumb names given to celeb children like Pilot Inspektor, Zuma, Brooklyn, Kal-el, Romeo, Apple and Reign Beau. I guess celebs figure since the kid will be set for life and will live in a protective bubble they don't have to worry about what other people think or will treat them. Unlike...
...Stupid Ghetto Names. My people. Seriously. You don't have to name your child Jane Doe but fer shit's sake, what are some of you thinking? I believe it was Chris Rock who once said (and yes, I'm paraphrasing) "Why would you name your kid something like that? At least let the kid get TO the job interview!". With so many White employers coming right out and saying they'd rather hire a White, uneducated ex-con than an educated, never-incarcerated Black man, why would you name your kid Daykwan Marquis or LaQuita Emerald knowing once an employer sees that on a resume, ain't making that call? My least favorite ghetto name ever was bestowed on a football player - D'Brickashaw. WTF is that? WHYWHYWHY? Good thing he was lucky enough to go professional, huh? My new least favorite female name was just found yesterday. Le-a. No, it's not pronounced Leah, Lea or Leeya. It's LEDASHA. That's right, because to quote the mother, "the dash don't be silent".
Jesus H. Christ, make it stop.
My name? No, it didn't top the Popular Girls Name list, but it's been around for centuries. Doesn't make it any less odd, but it ain't DUMB, like a former co-worker who named his child Anquette Mahogany. No, I'm not kidding. Wanna be different? Okay, find an uncommon name that actually exists in a baby name book; stop combining your name and the baby daddy name because it's two times the stupid, stop doing that pseudo-French shit and give anything that starts with "La" and "Da" a rest. I understand that you want your child to be considered special and unique (don't you wanna slap someone who actually names their kid "Unique"?), but it really just screams "low-income-uneducated-minority". If that's what you're going for, then maybe you should set your sights a little higher...at least for the kid's sake.
Pet Peeves #12 - (originally posted 10/31/08)
1. People who are not Metal throwing the "Devil Horns".
I've had it with people with no love, respect or affiliation with Heavy Metal music throwing the goat. WTF is up with that? The final straw is a new song by this Country act Rascal Flatts. The chorus goes something like, 'bob your head...giving that rock on sign' using the Devil Horns to denote this. ARE WE KIDDING? The sign of holding down your third and middle finger with your thumb and keeping up the index and the pinky is not a "Rock On" sign. It means HEAVY METAL. Not country, not pop, not winning some stupid award, not anything you think is fun or cool that has nothing to do with Metal music, like loving "High School Musical 3". Look, popular culture has stolen "mosh" and crowd surfing and RUINED them. I refuse, and I think other Metalheads should take a stand on this NOW - to let un-Metal people ruin The Horns as well. That has and always will belong to METAL MUSIC FANS. It is rather complimentary that the things we Metalheads do as a matter of course are secretly thought to be edgy and cool by the mainstream. However, if you can't walk the walk or talk the talk and the heaviest thing you like is Katy Perry then you should NEVEREVEREVAEVAEVA do the Devil Horns. At all. If you do, you should be slapped like a poseur at an old Exodus show (if you did not 'get' that last reference then point proven - you should definitely NEVER throw The Horns). Find your own hand-thing and accept the fact that you will never be as cool as we are. As Phil Anselmo once said, "you ain't got the balls, son!" I realize that sucks, but if you're going to hold Metalheads in such low regard in general and refuse to give us our props then you should want NOTHING of ours...especially the sign that gave us so much trouble with the mainstream to begin with - the Devil Horns. Just. Stop. It. Now.
2. Women who want to marry rich/successful men then get pissed that they're never at home.
Honey, here's what. Unless he was born into money (and sometimes even then), a man that has made his own way into wealth will be working long hours and will often miss important events. When he comes home, he will be too tired to tend to you and could give a shit about how mediocre your pedicure was today. How do you think he got rich? By sitting at home sucking up to his girlfriend/wife? No, by busting his tail and being all about the Benjamins. I hate hearing these pampered, privileged bitches whine about how their husband always works late and doesn't seem to care about her needs. It's a trade-off. You like shopping at Needless Markup (Neimann-Marcus), and driving around in that Benz with the Amex Black Card dontcha? Of course. Thing is, if you're home bossing around the maid, the nanny, the cook and going for $1,000 spa treatments, who is paying for all of this luxury? It obviously isn't you - it's him! So if he has to close that multi-million dollar business deal across the country, do that extra surgery, work that double shift to keep you in La Perla undies then you need to shut up, get a hobby or get a job. Period. Every lifestyle has its sacrifices; the common woman has no sympathy for you. Related: Wives/husbands/significant others of musicians. You knew what we were doing when we met you.
You knew our chosen musical endeavor is time consuming. You knew that what we do brings us in close contact with members of the opposite sex and (if we're lucky) allows us to travel and tour. So don't bitch about it now. People that look to date those with very large paychecks and musicians, act like they understand and can accept what comes with it, then later tries to get them to alter the very thing that made them what they are is FRAUD. If you want a creature that will stare lovingly into your eyes for hours on end, listens to you talk endlessly about yourself, maintains predictable hours and doesn't go out unless you want to then get a dog!
3. People that can't have pride without being assholes to everyone else.
Sure, this could only apply to the White Power fucknut(s) at our last show, but sadly it doesn't. This also means "Proud to be (whatever)" people. I say it often - you had NO CHOICE in whether you are male or female, Black or White, Italian or Irish. What you DO have a choice in is whether you are going to be a decent human being and what constructive thing you bring to humanity's table and THAT is what you should be proud of. It is easy to be proud of something you had no choice in and cannot change - that's a copout. This is not saying you shouldn't be proud of the accomplishments of your ancestors but what have YOU done? It's sad that someone would ever need both a t-shirt and a tattoo to remind themselves to be proud, and inconceivable that they can't be proud without being a prick. It shows a weakness in character, and it only means you're now just a member a different herd of sheep desperately trying to matter. Pathetic.
4. The weight debacle.
I give up. I do. I diet, I exercise, I try to eat right, but I will never be skinny, and that's just how it is. I would love to have a long, lean bikini body but it isn't now and won't ever be. Even if did lose all the weight I wanted to right now, someone would still think I'm fat. I bring this up because it's not just the plumper chicks that will eternally fall short in this world of 'be hot or be ignored'; it's the ones of "normal" weight, too. How can I say this? Eva Longoria was all over the news awhile back with people clucking their tongues at how much weight she put on and how fat she's getting, and she even said she was 'fat'. What was her horrible, egregious weight change? She went from a size double-zero to zero.
00 to 0.
One more time people so hopefully you can visualize and realize the absurdity of this - 00 to 0.
If 0 is "O my God, she's skin and bones" then what is double-zero? Some people are naturally that tiny, but damn.
C'mon people, this is NOT NATURAL. Yes the camera may add twenty pounds but some of these models and some celebrities are so emaciated in pictures that they must be horrifying in person. I remember the day when Marilyn Monroe, at size 14, was the hottest thing on the planet. Then famous women kept getting thinner, and man, if you were a size 8, you were IT! Now, if you're a size 8 you may as well be Harriet the Hippo, and that's just crazy. Being the right weight for your height and build is important for your health and appearance, but that pendulum swings both ways. Yes, you CAN be too thin, and the body and health issues we are foisting upon our young girls now is very sad, indeed. Men say that hate neurotic women, but what else could these girls grow up to be with such a demanding and often unreachable standard that even if achieved, is nearly impossible to maintain?
5. Guitar Hero
Ya know, it was fun for a minute, but now things have gotten out of hand with this. Perhaps you can attribute this to me becoming an increasingly bitter musician, but if you want to play a rock song on guitar, GO GET A GUITAR AND LEARN IT. Buy a real bass, buy a real drum set and do it right. It astounds me that people would rather go to a club or bar and watch other people fake it with the cheesy Guitar Hero instruments and canned songs than actually hear and watch a real band play. You absolutely must hear songs you know? Go see a cover band. I can't believe I just said that, but I'd rather see people pay to watch and support real musicians than this Guitar Hero thing. Sure, it's all in fun but when it becomes it's own cottage industry, that's a disgrace. If you truly love music, then support and pay real musicians, not video game companies. If you want to be a part of music, then truly become part of it and play it for real so you can truly experience what it's like - the highs, AND the lows.
6. The whole, 'You'll vote for Obama because he's Black' thing.
First off, fuck you if you think that. I am an Independent on my voter registration card and I am in life. I have NEVER allowed myself or anyone to define me or anything I'm going to do, say, or be because of my color. Period. Read this next statement closely: IF I DON'T AGREE WITH YOU I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE MY SIAMESE TWIN I WILL NOT SUPPORT YOU. I have never voted for someone because they were either Black or a woman, and I'm not about to start now. This election has put some folks like me in a precarious position. If I vote for Obama, I was expected to because he's Black, and if I don't, I'm just being contrary so I'm not following the (Black) herd.
It's bullshit that I'm not expected - no, not allowed to decide based on the issues. It was not until 10/20 - that's right, about two weeks ago - that I finally chose Obama. If it was all about color, than there would have been no hesitation from the moment he was nominated who I was going to vote for. Instead, this election choice was the hardest I've ever had to make. The issue for me was never the race of the nominees but who did I feel is going to help me and my country the most? And at the end of day it became clear to me that McCain wasn't the guy. If the races were reversed, McCain Black and Obama White (which he is actually half-White, in case you geniuses forgot), I would STILL vote Obama. I'm not out to make a statement, I'm out to make a living. GOT IT? I would NEVER rest my future on something so superficial, and for anyone to accuse or assume that I am or would be for so crucial an election - especially if you know how intelligent, sincere and deliberate of thought I am - is disappointing. Read my (MySpace) blog about how and why I made my decision; you don't have agree, that is your right, but you do NOT have the right to assume you know anything about me other than what I allow you to know. And DO know that I'm more of a real fucking MAVERICK than most of you will EVER live to be. I am now going to have my third cup of coffee. Any smartasses who wanna act like they know is welcome to have a big cup of Shut The Fuck Up.
Thank you.
I've had it with people with no love, respect or affiliation with Heavy Metal music throwing the goat. WTF is up with that? The final straw is a new song by this Country act Rascal Flatts. The chorus goes something like, 'bob your head...giving that rock on sign' using the Devil Horns to denote this. ARE WE KIDDING? The sign of holding down your third and middle finger with your thumb and keeping up the index and the pinky is not a "Rock On" sign. It means HEAVY METAL. Not country, not pop, not winning some stupid award, not anything you think is fun or cool that has nothing to do with Metal music, like loving "High School Musical 3". Look, popular culture has stolen "mosh" and crowd surfing and RUINED them. I refuse, and I think other Metalheads should take a stand on this NOW - to let un-Metal people ruin The Horns as well. That has and always will belong to METAL MUSIC FANS. It is rather complimentary that the things we Metalheads do as a matter of course are secretly thought to be edgy and cool by the mainstream. However, if you can't walk the walk or talk the talk and the heaviest thing you like is Katy Perry then you should NEVEREVEREVAEVAEVA do the Devil Horns. At all. If you do, you should be slapped like a poseur at an old Exodus show (if you did not 'get' that last reference then point proven - you should definitely NEVER throw The Horns). Find your own hand-thing and accept the fact that you will never be as cool as we are. As Phil Anselmo once said, "you ain't got the balls, son!" I realize that sucks, but if you're going to hold Metalheads in such low regard in general and refuse to give us our props then you should want NOTHING of ours...especially the sign that gave us so much trouble with the mainstream to begin with - the Devil Horns. Just. Stop. It. Now.
2. Women who want to marry rich/successful men then get pissed that they're never at home.
Honey, here's what. Unless he was born into money (and sometimes even then), a man that has made his own way into wealth will be working long hours and will often miss important events. When he comes home, he will be too tired to tend to you and could give a shit about how mediocre your pedicure was today. How do you think he got rich? By sitting at home sucking up to his girlfriend/wife? No, by busting his tail and being all about the Benjamins. I hate hearing these pampered, privileged bitches whine about how their husband always works late and doesn't seem to care about her needs. It's a trade-off. You like shopping at Needless Markup (Neimann-Marcus), and driving around in that Benz with the Amex Black Card dontcha? Of course. Thing is, if you're home bossing around the maid, the nanny, the cook and going for $1,000 spa treatments, who is paying for all of this luxury? It obviously isn't you - it's him! So if he has to close that multi-million dollar business deal across the country, do that extra surgery, work that double shift to keep you in La Perla undies then you need to shut up, get a hobby or get a job. Period. Every lifestyle has its sacrifices; the common woman has no sympathy for you. Related: Wives/husbands/significant others of musicians. You knew what we were doing when we met you.
You knew our chosen musical endeavor is time consuming. You knew that what we do brings us in close contact with members of the opposite sex and (if we're lucky) allows us to travel and tour. So don't bitch about it now. People that look to date those with very large paychecks and musicians, act like they understand and can accept what comes with it, then later tries to get them to alter the very thing that made them what they are is FRAUD. If you want a creature that will stare lovingly into your eyes for hours on end, listens to you talk endlessly about yourself, maintains predictable hours and doesn't go out unless you want to then get a dog!
3. People that can't have pride without being assholes to everyone else.
Sure, this could only apply to the White Power fucknut(s) at our last show, but sadly it doesn't. This also means "Proud to be (whatever)" people. I say it often - you had NO CHOICE in whether you are male or female, Black or White, Italian or Irish. What you DO have a choice in is whether you are going to be a decent human being and what constructive thing you bring to humanity's table and THAT is what you should be proud of. It is easy to be proud of something you had no choice in and cannot change - that's a copout. This is not saying you shouldn't be proud of the accomplishments of your ancestors but what have YOU done? It's sad that someone would ever need both a t-shirt and a tattoo to remind themselves to be proud, and inconceivable that they can't be proud without being a prick. It shows a weakness in character, and it only means you're now just a member a different herd of sheep desperately trying to matter. Pathetic.
4. The weight debacle.
I give up. I do. I diet, I exercise, I try to eat right, but I will never be skinny, and that's just how it is. I would love to have a long, lean bikini body but it isn't now and won't ever be. Even if did lose all the weight I wanted to right now, someone would still think I'm fat. I bring this up because it's not just the plumper chicks that will eternally fall short in this world of 'be hot or be ignored'; it's the ones of "normal" weight, too. How can I say this? Eva Longoria was all over the news awhile back with people clucking their tongues at how much weight she put on and how fat she's getting, and she even said she was 'fat'. What was her horrible, egregious weight change? She went from a size double-zero to zero.
00 to 0.
One more time people so hopefully you can visualize and realize the absurdity of this - 00 to 0.
If 0 is "O my God, she's skin and bones" then what is double-zero? Some people are naturally that tiny, but damn.
C'mon people, this is NOT NATURAL. Yes the camera may add twenty pounds but some of these models and some celebrities are so emaciated in pictures that they must be horrifying in person. I remember the day when Marilyn Monroe, at size 14, was the hottest thing on the planet. Then famous women kept getting thinner, and man, if you were a size 8, you were IT! Now, if you're a size 8 you may as well be Harriet the Hippo, and that's just crazy. Being the right weight for your height and build is important for your health and appearance, but that pendulum swings both ways. Yes, you CAN be too thin, and the body and health issues we are foisting upon our young girls now is very sad, indeed. Men say that hate neurotic women, but what else could these girls grow up to be with such a demanding and often unreachable standard that even if achieved, is nearly impossible to maintain?
5. Guitar Hero
Ya know, it was fun for a minute, but now things have gotten out of hand with this. Perhaps you can attribute this to me becoming an increasingly bitter musician, but if you want to play a rock song on guitar, GO GET A GUITAR AND LEARN IT. Buy a real bass, buy a real drum set and do it right. It astounds me that people would rather go to a club or bar and watch other people fake it with the cheesy Guitar Hero instruments and canned songs than actually hear and watch a real band play. You absolutely must hear songs you know? Go see a cover band. I can't believe I just said that, but I'd rather see people pay to watch and support real musicians than this Guitar Hero thing. Sure, it's all in fun but when it becomes it's own cottage industry, that's a disgrace. If you truly love music, then support and pay real musicians, not video game companies. If you want to be a part of music, then truly become part of it and play it for real so you can truly experience what it's like - the highs, AND the lows.
6. The whole, 'You'll vote for Obama because he's Black' thing.
First off, fuck you if you think that. I am an Independent on my voter registration card and I am in life. I have NEVER allowed myself or anyone to define me or anything I'm going to do, say, or be because of my color. Period. Read this next statement closely: IF I DON'T AGREE WITH YOU I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE MY SIAMESE TWIN I WILL NOT SUPPORT YOU. I have never voted for someone because they were either Black or a woman, and I'm not about to start now. This election has put some folks like me in a precarious position. If I vote for Obama, I was expected to because he's Black, and if I don't, I'm just being contrary so I'm not following the (Black) herd.
It's bullshit that I'm not expected - no, not allowed to decide based on the issues. It was not until 10/20 - that's right, about two weeks ago - that I finally chose Obama. If it was all about color, than there would have been no hesitation from the moment he was nominated who I was going to vote for. Instead, this election choice was the hardest I've ever had to make. The issue for me was never the race of the nominees but who did I feel is going to help me and my country the most? And at the end of day it became clear to me that McCain wasn't the guy. If the races were reversed, McCain Black and Obama White (which he is actually half-White, in case you geniuses forgot), I would STILL vote Obama. I'm not out to make a statement, I'm out to make a living. GOT IT? I would NEVER rest my future on something so superficial, and for anyone to accuse or assume that I am or would be for so crucial an election - especially if you know how intelligent, sincere and deliberate of thought I am - is disappointing. Read my (MySpace) blog about how and why I made my decision; you don't have agree, that is your right, but you do NOT have the right to assume you know anything about me other than what I allow you to know. And DO know that I'm more of a real fucking MAVERICK than most of you will EVER live to be. I am now going to have my third cup of coffee. Any smartasses who wanna act like they know is welcome to have a big cup of Shut The Fuck Up.
Thank you.
Pet Peeves #11 - (originally posted 10/10/08)
1. Having to stop for the damn school bus.
My apologies to my child-having friends, but nothing is a bigger buzzkill than being stopped by a school bus while driving to work. The bus is coming up the street with the yellow lights flashing, and I'm thinking, "Oh no! FasterFaster BEAT THE RED LIGHTS AND POP-OUT STOP SIGN!!...DAMMIT." Screech to a halt. Fuck. Now wait...(cue 'Jeopardy' music). But, that isn't the actual peeve. I only have violent tendencies when the school bus stops a line of traffic on a busy road and the damn kids m o s e y. S l o w l y. O f f t h e b u s. Or, a parent decides they want to have a chat with the driver, ya know, how's the weather, how's the wife, we should have dinner sometime, etc. It's even less entertaining when it's apparent they've just rolled out of bed and they look like death microwaved (see Pet Peeves #10) so I'm annoyed and now my eyes hurt, too. HEY!! Shut the hell up, get your kid(s) on/off the damn bus and keep it movin', sunshine! Which brings me to the next peeve...
2. People who enjoy slowing down traffic 'cos, hell, they're at work already so fuck you.
Hey you, Verizon truck driver driving 20 mph 'cos you're stretching out trips in-between assignments. And YOU Mr. Cab Driver who normally drives 100mph everywhere...unless you have to take someone to the bus or train station. So now you do 20mph just so you can watch the passenger sweat the whole ride, then make a mad dash to the train to either just make or just miss it. Fun! You guys been on the clock since 6am. Yay for you. It would be great if you wouldn't be such douchebags when you know most of the world is trying to get to THEIR jobs between 8 and 9. Honorable mention: Retired folks. I mean no disrespect because you're somebody's mommy or daddy. However, when it's 8:50am, you should not be in the left lane of a main road or highway doing 45. Remember, y'all used to work too and probably drove up on and flipped off the old man in the Buick clogging up the road when YOU had to get to work back in the day. Forgot about that, huh? Oh wait. You...really don't remember that. Sorry. Which brings me to the next peeve...
3. Re-test the elderly regularly to make sure they're still able to drive safely.
I love older folks, I really do. I love their spirit, experiences and their outlook on life. That said, the one thing they shouldn't be doing for the most part is DRIVE. it's not their speed (or lack thereof), it's their lack of everything else needed to drive safely. Reflexes, memory, coordination, etc. all of these abilities decline with age and with some folks (clearly) more than others. I was behind an old guy yesterday. Doing 40 in a 50, half over in the next lane. I manage to get out from behind him, and once I got next to him to pass I took a peek, and I swear, he looked like the Crypt Keeper. Homeboy was OLD. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were just blank, staring, like a zombie. The only thing lively on on him was his liver spots. I kept glancing over for a bit because I seriously thought something might be wrong. The only thing wrong was that he still was allowed on the road. Coupla years ago, I was flying in to visit my Grandma in Florida. She picked me up - and took me on what was to be one of the most terrifying 45-minute rides of my life. Once we got to her place (and I was done kissing the ground) she asked if I would do all of the driving while I was there. Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his ass with a rabbit? Does a fat kid like cake? (I do!) Does winning 5 million dollars sound nice? FUCKIN' A! Once folks get over 70, they need to be tested every year, for their own safety and the safety of others on the road. Period. Which beings me to my next peeve...
4. Driving is a privilege, and they need to tighten things up in this country.
It's not just old people with declining driving skills. Apparently, people under 20 have no business on the road either. There has been discussion about raising the driving age, and I think that's a brilliant idea. No one can argue that most of the auto accidents claiming lives involve drivers under 25, and most people under 25 drive like assholes, gotta be cool, gotta be a tough guy at the expense of safety, learned from their daddy (who is a shitty driver), etc. I'm sure the grisly statistics would drop if the driving age was raised, and there would be less traffic on the roads, which is better for everyone and the planet, too. But let's not forget the people in-between 20 and 70, like chronic drunk drivers. If I'm not mistaken one Scandinavian country has a rule that if you're caught driving drunk ONCE you lose your license FOREVER. There, once the license is lost, they just accept it and don't drive. Obviously, in America, we're of the mentality that we'll drive anyway license revocation be damned, it's our damn right to drive (again, it's a privilege not a right). Other people are just crap drivers. Ideas: Change the Driver's Test, which is a joke. Make it more than just a manual and a cheesy written test. Make it a course (and course materials come in only one language - ENGLISH) that takes a few weeks with physical tests in-between under controlled conditions, and make it costly, like $300. Folks who just don't have the knack will learn they're better off taking the bus BEFORE they take out a family of five on the highway. If they fail, they can keep paying to re-take the course until they do. If they don't pass after 3 attempts, they cannot try again for 2 years. If anyone is caught driving without a license, they need to go to jail for a length of time that would make it not worth getting caught. The benefit of this is that the fundamentals of driving would be drilled into everyone's heads, not shortcuts and bad driving habits taught by Uncle Bobby who had his license suspended - twice. The State gets extra revenue, more jobs are created to transport those who can't pass the course, and the public shares the road with safer drivers. Everyone wins. Speaking of taking the bus...
5. People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public.
Dammit, would you PLEASE lower your voice? NOBODY CARES about your date last night, NOBODY cares that you told off so-and-so, NOBODY thinks you're a badass because you're talking about who you rolled yesterday for money that was owed you. But we ALL think you're an inconsiderate asshole trying to showboat how cool you are. We especially LOVE to hear you curse out loud and say rude things, 'cos it's oh-so classy of you. Does anyone remember discretion? We don't GIVE A FUCK about you and what you do and who you're talking with. Sorry. If this is what you do for attention, that's pretty pathetic. No one thinks you're extra special because you have a cell phone. Here's a newsflash - most people have one of those too, so no one is impressed. Even more annoying - people who yammer loudly on their phone...in a foreign language. GAHHHHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I can't possibly be the only person who loves to use the time on the bus or train to appreciate QUIET ME TIME. When you're on public conveyance, you're probably on your way to work (noisy, folks up your ass all day) going home (dinner, laundry, hollering children, chatty spouse, etc.) or going out to socialize (fun, but noisy). The bus/train time is a time to enjoy being incommunicado so you can be with your own thoughts, and then here comes LaQuita Jenkins ("I be tellin' dat mudderfuckah he NEED to be calling me and not dat other bitch!"), Mr. "The Man" HighPower Exec, "Well, I do these types of deals all day, usually deals like that aren't worth my time, but I figured I'd help Dan out, since he lacks my savvy in dealing with these kind of people."), Ms. Susie College ("Oh. My. God. Can you believe there will be no more TRL? Oh My God. And did ya hear about Linda? Can you believe she hugged Billy last night right in front of her!! Oh my God!! Yes she did!!!) and Elroy McCrip ("Ima bust a cap in dat niggahs ass who he think he playin' wit?) and Consuelo EnEspanol ("awholelottastuffcompletelyin95mphSpanishthatIdon'tunderstandspokenattopvolume"). I hate you people. Kindly go die.
My apologies to my child-having friends, but nothing is a bigger buzzkill than being stopped by a school bus while driving to work. The bus is coming up the street with the yellow lights flashing, and I'm thinking, "Oh no! FasterFaster BEAT THE RED LIGHTS AND POP-OUT STOP SIGN!!...DAMMIT." Screech to a halt. Fuck. Now wait...(cue 'Jeopardy' music). But, that isn't the actual peeve. I only have violent tendencies when the school bus stops a line of traffic on a busy road and the damn kids m o s e y. S l o w l y. O f f t h e b u s. Or, a parent decides they want to have a chat with the driver, ya know, how's the weather, how's the wife, we should have dinner sometime, etc. It's even less entertaining when it's apparent they've just rolled out of bed and they look like death microwaved (see Pet Peeves #10) so I'm annoyed and now my eyes hurt, too. HEY!! Shut the hell up, get your kid(s) on/off the damn bus and keep it movin', sunshine! Which brings me to the next peeve...
2. People who enjoy slowing down traffic 'cos, hell, they're at work already so fuck you.
Hey you, Verizon truck driver driving 20 mph 'cos you're stretching out trips in-between assignments. And YOU Mr. Cab Driver who normally drives 100mph everywhere...unless you have to take someone to the bus or train station. So now you do 20mph just so you can watch the passenger sweat the whole ride, then make a mad dash to the train to either just make or just miss it. Fun! You guys been on the clock since 6am. Yay for you. It would be great if you wouldn't be such douchebags when you know most of the world is trying to get to THEIR jobs between 8 and 9. Honorable mention: Retired folks. I mean no disrespect because you're somebody's mommy or daddy. However, when it's 8:50am, you should not be in the left lane of a main road or highway doing 45. Remember, y'all used to work too and probably drove up on and flipped off the old man in the Buick clogging up the road when YOU had to get to work back in the day. Forgot about that, huh? Oh wait. You...really don't remember that. Sorry. Which brings me to the next peeve...
3. Re-test the elderly regularly to make sure they're still able to drive safely.
I love older folks, I really do. I love their spirit, experiences and their outlook on life. That said, the one thing they shouldn't be doing for the most part is DRIVE. it's not their speed (or lack thereof), it's their lack of everything else needed to drive safely. Reflexes, memory, coordination, etc. all of these abilities decline with age and with some folks (clearly) more than others. I was behind an old guy yesterday. Doing 40 in a 50, half over in the next lane. I manage to get out from behind him, and once I got next to him to pass I took a peek, and I swear, he looked like the Crypt Keeper. Homeboy was OLD. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were just blank, staring, like a zombie. The only thing lively on on him was his liver spots. I kept glancing over for a bit because I seriously thought something might be wrong. The only thing wrong was that he still was allowed on the road. Coupla years ago, I was flying in to visit my Grandma in Florida. She picked me up - and took me on what was to be one of the most terrifying 45-minute rides of my life. Once we got to her place (and I was done kissing the ground) she asked if I would do all of the driving while I was there. Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his ass with a rabbit? Does a fat kid like cake? (I do!) Does winning 5 million dollars sound nice? FUCKIN' A! Once folks get over 70, they need to be tested every year, for their own safety and the safety of others on the road. Period. Which beings me to my next peeve...
4. Driving is a privilege, and they need to tighten things up in this country.
It's not just old people with declining driving skills. Apparently, people under 20 have no business on the road either. There has been discussion about raising the driving age, and I think that's a brilliant idea. No one can argue that most of the auto accidents claiming lives involve drivers under 25, and most people under 25 drive like assholes, gotta be cool, gotta be a tough guy at the expense of safety, learned from their daddy (who is a shitty driver), etc. I'm sure the grisly statistics would drop if the driving age was raised, and there would be less traffic on the roads, which is better for everyone and the planet, too. But let's not forget the people in-between 20 and 70, like chronic drunk drivers. If I'm not mistaken one Scandinavian country has a rule that if you're caught driving drunk ONCE you lose your license FOREVER. There, once the license is lost, they just accept it and don't drive. Obviously, in America, we're of the mentality that we'll drive anyway license revocation be damned, it's our damn right to drive (again, it's a privilege not a right). Other people are just crap drivers. Ideas: Change the Driver's Test, which is a joke. Make it more than just a manual and a cheesy written test. Make it a course (and course materials come in only one language - ENGLISH) that takes a few weeks with physical tests in-between under controlled conditions, and make it costly, like $300. Folks who just don't have the knack will learn they're better off taking the bus BEFORE they take out a family of five on the highway. If they fail, they can keep paying to re-take the course until they do. If they don't pass after 3 attempts, they cannot try again for 2 years. If anyone is caught driving without a license, they need to go to jail for a length of time that would make it not worth getting caught. The benefit of this is that the fundamentals of driving would be drilled into everyone's heads, not shortcuts and bad driving habits taught by Uncle Bobby who had his license suspended - twice. The State gets extra revenue, more jobs are created to transport those who can't pass the course, and the public shares the road with safer drivers. Everyone wins. Speaking of taking the bus...
5. People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public.
Dammit, would you PLEASE lower your voice? NOBODY CARES about your date last night, NOBODY cares that you told off so-and-so, NOBODY thinks you're a badass because you're talking about who you rolled yesterday for money that was owed you. But we ALL think you're an inconsiderate asshole trying to showboat how cool you are. We especially LOVE to hear you curse out loud and say rude things, 'cos it's oh-so classy of you. Does anyone remember discretion? We don't GIVE A FUCK about you and what you do and who you're talking with. Sorry. If this is what you do for attention, that's pretty pathetic. No one thinks you're extra special because you have a cell phone. Here's a newsflash - most people have one of those too, so no one is impressed. Even more annoying - people who yammer loudly on their phone...in a foreign language. GAHHHHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I can't possibly be the only person who loves to use the time on the bus or train to appreciate QUIET ME TIME. When you're on public conveyance, you're probably on your way to work (noisy, folks up your ass all day) going home (dinner, laundry, hollering children, chatty spouse, etc.) or going out to socialize (fun, but noisy). The bus/train time is a time to enjoy being incommunicado so you can be with your own thoughts, and then here comes LaQuita Jenkins ("I be tellin' dat mudderfuckah he NEED to be calling me and not dat other bitch!"), Mr. "The Man" HighPower Exec, "Well, I do these types of deals all day, usually deals like that aren't worth my time, but I figured I'd help Dan out, since he lacks my savvy in dealing with these kind of people."), Ms. Susie College ("Oh. My. God. Can you believe there will be no more TRL? Oh My God. And did ya hear about Linda? Can you believe she hugged Billy last night right in front of her!! Oh my God!! Yes she did!!!) and Elroy McCrip ("Ima bust a cap in dat niggahs ass who he think he playin' wit?) and Consuelo EnEspanol ("awholelottastuffcompletelyin95mphSpanishthatIdon'tunderstandspokenattopvolume"). I hate you people. Kindly go die.
Pet Peeves #10 -(originally posted 10/3/08)
1. The, "it's not my job" morons.
I know my job description, and I get enough work to do within it without having to take on someoneelse's responsibilities. However, every now and then I'm asked to step outside of my box - or cubicle, depending on the situation - and wear a different hat. I don't have a problem with that (unless, of course, it's involves hiding a body, selling something illegal or eating olives; okay, maybe I would help hide a body...nevermind) *ahem* point is, no one should have a problem with helping out when asked to perform an act they wouldn't normally be responsible for, especially when it involves an injured living thing. This afternoon, some idiot hit a cat with his/her car in our office park and basically left it to die. We have a security force and maintenance people for the building all of whom said, "sorry, that's not my job" and walked away. No offer to call, no indication there was a plan in place for injured animals, nothing. Are we kidding? There are about 7 companies in my building with people hanging out smoking and NO ONE hears and kitty mewling in pain? By the time my office found out about it, (and we were the last to know, apparently) and a lady in our Marketing Department rushed it to her Vet, it died :( The only thing sadder was that of the 8 places some of us called, no one would come get it, or they would turn it away if the person who brought it did not assume responsibility for it. Sorry, that is fucking bullshit. The girl who found her and the lady who tried to get it care have been spending the afternoon crying, and the rest of us trying hard not to :( it's wrong to wish evil on anyone, but I hope the people who could have done something, but just didn't are treated with the same indifference when they're in need of immediate care. Assholes.
2. People who forward email rumors without checking if they're true.
When you get an email that says something that sounds too retarded to be true or even if it sounds like it could be true - please please please for the love of Gawd go to Snopes.com, breakthechain.org or other Internet rumor confirmation site and see if its true or false before you spread it to all of your friends. I know you folks mean well, but if you cared enough to send it to me in the first place, think about how much more I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me one more thing - and it's not even true - to worry about. If you don't want to check it's authenticity, then don't send it at all. Don't worry - I'm sure someone else will send me another one just like it.
3. People who figure that they're only going to Home Depot/Super Market/Post Office and hygiene is just not a big deal.
No one is going to ever mistake me for a model, I'll never get any awards for my definitely NOT designer clothing. I don't even wear makeup 90% of the time (I may not have the Tall/Skinny gene but dammit, I have great skin). But I DO bathe, brush my teeth and comb my hair before I walk out of the door, even if it's to somewhere not-so-exciting. I'll never understand people who roll out of bed and show up at the Home Depot/Super Market/Post Office and OH YEAH WALMART without washing their ass, scraping their microwave breakfast off of their teeth, running a comb their hair and checking that their clothes don't look as though is was used for barnyard flooring. I guess they figure that the destination doesn't merit such consideration. Now, I understand those hard-working men who needed to run to Lowe's real quick for something to complete a job they're on, but that doesn't excuse the women, those wild-haired, greasy sweatpant-wearing eyesores who stink to the point that your nostils fly back as if they were hit by a cricket bat. Ladies, how do you ever expect to get laid or meet the man of your dreams if you look and smell like a cross-dressing wrestler on a coffee break? C'mon! You don't have to bust out the Versace but if I smell ya before I see ya - I'm sure the really hot construction dude did too, and you are NOT getting any play. Nope. None. And perfume does NOT cover it up - you smell like a sweaty musk-ox. Fat Albert and the crew sang it best: "Soap and water. A toothbrush and a comb. You should learn to use them, or you will stand alone."
I know my job description, and I get enough work to do within it without having to take on someoneelse's responsibilities. However, every now and then I'm asked to step outside of my box - or cubicle, depending on the situation - and wear a different hat. I don't have a problem with that (unless, of course, it's involves hiding a body, selling something illegal or eating olives; okay, maybe I would help hide a body...nevermind) *ahem* point is, no one should have a problem with helping out when asked to perform an act they wouldn't normally be responsible for, especially when it involves an injured living thing. This afternoon, some idiot hit a cat with his/her car in our office park and basically left it to die. We have a security force and maintenance people for the building all of whom said, "sorry, that's not my job" and walked away. No offer to call, no indication there was a plan in place for injured animals, nothing. Are we kidding? There are about 7 companies in my building with people hanging out smoking and NO ONE hears and kitty mewling in pain? By the time my office found out about it, (and we were the last to know, apparently) and a lady in our Marketing Department rushed it to her Vet, it died :( The only thing sadder was that of the 8 places some of us called, no one would come get it, or they would turn it away if the person who brought it did not assume responsibility for it. Sorry, that is fucking bullshit. The girl who found her and the lady who tried to get it care have been spending the afternoon crying, and the rest of us trying hard not to :( it's wrong to wish evil on anyone, but I hope the people who could have done something, but just didn't are treated with the same indifference when they're in need of immediate care. Assholes.
2. People who forward email rumors without checking if they're true.
When you get an email that says something that sounds too retarded to be true or even if it sounds like it could be true - please please please for the love of Gawd go to Snopes.com, breakthechain.org or other Internet rumor confirmation site and see if its true or false before you spread it to all of your friends. I know you folks mean well, but if you cared enough to send it to me in the first place, think about how much more I'd appreciate it if you didn't give me one more thing - and it's not even true - to worry about. If you don't want to check it's authenticity, then don't send it at all. Don't worry - I'm sure someone else will send me another one just like it.
3. People who figure that they're only going to Home Depot/Super Market/Post Office and hygiene is just not a big deal.
No one is going to ever mistake me for a model, I'll never get any awards for my definitely NOT designer clothing. I don't even wear makeup 90% of the time (I may not have the Tall/Skinny gene but dammit, I have great skin). But I DO bathe, brush my teeth and comb my hair before I walk out of the door, even if it's to somewhere not-so-exciting. I'll never understand people who roll out of bed and show up at the Home Depot/Super Market/Post Office and OH YEAH WALMART without washing their ass, scraping their microwave breakfast off of their teeth, running a comb their hair and checking that their clothes don't look as though is was used for barnyard flooring. I guess they figure that the destination doesn't merit such consideration. Now, I understand those hard-working men who needed to run to Lowe's real quick for something to complete a job they're on, but that doesn't excuse the women, those wild-haired, greasy sweatpant-wearing eyesores who stink to the point that your nostils fly back as if they were hit by a cricket bat. Ladies, how do you ever expect to get laid or meet the man of your dreams if you look and smell like a cross-dressing wrestler on a coffee break? C'mon! You don't have to bust out the Versace but if I smell ya before I see ya - I'm sure the really hot construction dude did too, and you are NOT getting any play. Nope. None. And perfume does NOT cover it up - you smell like a sweaty musk-ox. Fat Albert and the crew sang it best: "Soap and water. A toothbrush and a comb. You should learn to use them, or you will stand alone."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Pet Peeves #9 - (Originally posted 9/23/08)
1. Calling people who aren't rock stars "Rock Stars".
Maybe I'm being elitist, but I'm really getting annoyed at who gets called a 'rock star' these days. Rock music, if I can offer a very loose definition, is music that guitar-based, not quite commercial, not always standard, is fearless and has some kind of edge. Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, Rihanna, Shakira...they are POP stars. They play commercialized, formulaic, safe music for the masses and except for a song or two where the guitarist had to dig out his lame-ass dusty distortion pedal, it is NOT ROCK MUSIC. NOT. Lil' Wayne and Jay-Z are RAP stars, NOT rock stars. C'mon, people, get it right. Motley Crue are rock stars. Metallica are rock stars. The Rolling Stones, Tina Turner, Prince, even Kid Rock, Ice-T and Good Charlotte are rock stars. Sting is still a rock star even though he's mellowed considerably. Pink could be if she wanted to. Pussycat Dolls? NO. Lindsay Lohan...you can't b/e serious. I don't care if their stylist puts them in a Motorhead shirt. I don't care how much they party like rock stars or try to. They aren't. If being called a pop star is too boring, then they need to play real rock music. But we know why pop stars won't. Playing real rock music is too risky and dangerous, which is what rock should still be about and about the other thing you need to be a real rock star - BALLS. Until Miley cranks up the amps and sings about death, pain, sex and curses - censors be damned - wear your pop princess crown with pride, honey. Because I don't care how many mags try to say you are, or how many songs title "Rock Star" you write, you will never truly be one. Sorry. I'm not dissing any of these wanna-bes, because obviously they are doing quite well for themselves. But stop aligning these people with something they're clearly not.
2. Christian organizations that send spam.
I'm sorry, there is just something fundamentally wrong with that.
3. "The Scene".
I've been a musician for a long time now and still love what I do. I am proud of the music I've made over the years with the musicians I've played with and the friends and fans I've played for. There is truly nothing like it, and if I did a memoir it would be very entertaining. But what has really been burning my biscuits is how hard some of us work to uplift a scene full of ungrateful, unprofessional and uninterested people. The fans want good music and we want to bring it to them, and some bands, venues and promoters work hours a day to support their local scene making hardly anything while the rest just seem to float, try to scam or flat out not give a shit for whatever reason. I've decided that I'm taking a break from promoting and such and concentrating on my band, the bands I manage and my colleagues who have businesses that work hard and appreciate what I bring to bear. That will be more time for my husband, my family and friends, time that isn't wasted on people who could care less or always looking for experience and knowledge for nothing and to do nothing with it. Any information or experience I glean in the future will be shared with those people who truly support. You know who you are :)
4. Don't bitch about foreign call centers if you don't do things right in the first place.
I hate calling India to fix my printer as much as the next person. However, if you were to do something non-technical and you FUBAR, or worse still, just didn't do what you should have done in the first place, don't think I'll be be sympathetic because you had to call someone you could barely understand in some developing nation to get you out of your self-made morass. Next time, DUMBASS pay attention to your work. The only good thing about outsourcing is that people here actually take more care doing something because they don't want to call the foreign help desk and get someone who you can call "AJ"...and that was last thing he said you understood. Which brings me to #5...
5. Stop selling our country out by outsourcing to foreign countries.
It's becoming more and more apparent that if you're American and looking for a job, maybe you should move to India or China or South America or the Phillipines since that's were the jobs - our jobs - went. Big business loves outsourcing. It saves money, which keeps the shareholders happy (don't you love how when a company lays off people their stock goes up?). The American that used to do that job that was supporting his family and is now applying for unemployment...not so much. You know who else isn't happy? Workers like me who are grateful for the job they have but really hates this outsourcing shit for two really good reasons - our fellow Americans getting laid off by the thousands and the fact that outsourcing DOES NOT IMPROVE EFFICIENCY. If our system farted and we couldn't do our work, I used to be able to leave my cubicle, walk 25 feet and get our IT guy to come over and fix it so I could get right back to work. Now, I have to fill out a form. Then I have to go to what's left of the IT department (everyone else was laid off) and THEY fill out a form. They then call a number which routes through the Philippines to India to put in a ticket, then I have to call India with the details of my problem. I'm already pissed off because I've already wasted 20-30 minutes, and now I'm talking to some dude I can't understand and getting more and more pissed because I'm asking him to repeat just about EVERYTHING that come out of his mouth. I really love the part when they ask how important my situation is on a scale of 1-4, and do I feel it needs to be taken care of immediately. ARE WE KIDDING? WOULD YOU FIX THE MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE I FLY WHERE YOU ARE, AND TAKE YOUR HEADSET, AND CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS, PLEASE! YES, THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE UNTIL IT'S FIXED MY ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING DEPARTMENT CAN'T DO OUR MOTHERFUCKING JOBS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Then I have to wait anywhere from 1-2 HOURS (or more) before they get around to fixing my problem. This is efficiency? This is worth selling out America and saving a few bucks?
Maybe I'm being elitist, but I'm really getting annoyed at who gets called a 'rock star' these days. Rock music, if I can offer a very loose definition, is music that guitar-based, not quite commercial, not always standard, is fearless and has some kind of edge. Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, Rihanna, Shakira...they are POP stars. They play commercialized, formulaic, safe music for the masses and except for a song or two where the guitarist had to dig out his lame-ass dusty distortion pedal, it is NOT ROCK MUSIC. NOT. Lil' Wayne and Jay-Z are RAP stars, NOT rock stars. C'mon, people, get it right. Motley Crue are rock stars. Metallica are rock stars. The Rolling Stones, Tina Turner, Prince, even Kid Rock, Ice-T and Good Charlotte are rock stars. Sting is still a rock star even though he's mellowed considerably. Pink could be if she wanted to. Pussycat Dolls? NO. Lindsay Lohan...you can't b/e serious. I don't care if their stylist puts them in a Motorhead shirt. I don't care how much they party like rock stars or try to. They aren't. If being called a pop star is too boring, then they need to play real rock music. But we know why pop stars won't. Playing real rock music is too risky and dangerous, which is what rock should still be about and about the other thing you need to be a real rock star - BALLS. Until Miley cranks up the amps and sings about death, pain, sex and curses - censors be damned - wear your pop princess crown with pride, honey. Because I don't care how many mags try to say you are, or how many songs title "Rock Star" you write, you will never truly be one. Sorry. I'm not dissing any of these wanna-bes, because obviously they are doing quite well for themselves. But stop aligning these people with something they're clearly not.
2. Christian organizations that send spam.
I'm sorry, there is just something fundamentally wrong with that.
3. "The Scene".
I've been a musician for a long time now and still love what I do. I am proud of the music I've made over the years with the musicians I've played with and the friends and fans I've played for. There is truly nothing like it, and if I did a memoir it would be very entertaining. But what has really been burning my biscuits is how hard some of us work to uplift a scene full of ungrateful, unprofessional and uninterested people. The fans want good music and we want to bring it to them, and some bands, venues and promoters work hours a day to support their local scene making hardly anything while the rest just seem to float, try to scam or flat out not give a shit for whatever reason. I've decided that I'm taking a break from promoting and such and concentrating on my band, the bands I manage and my colleagues who have businesses that work hard and appreciate what I bring to bear. That will be more time for my husband, my family and friends, time that isn't wasted on people who could care less or always looking for experience and knowledge for nothing and to do nothing with it. Any information or experience I glean in the future will be shared with those people who truly support. You know who you are :)
4. Don't bitch about foreign call centers if you don't do things right in the first place.
I hate calling India to fix my printer as much as the next person. However, if you were to do something non-technical and you FUBAR, or worse still, just didn't do what you should have done in the first place, don't think I'll be be sympathetic because you had to call someone you could barely understand in some developing nation to get you out of your self-made morass. Next time, DUMBASS pay attention to your work. The only good thing about outsourcing is that people here actually take more care doing something because they don't want to call the foreign help desk and get someone who you can call "AJ"...and that was last thing he said you understood. Which brings me to #5...
5. Stop selling our country out by outsourcing to foreign countries.
It's becoming more and more apparent that if you're American and looking for a job, maybe you should move to India or China or South America or the Phillipines since that's were the jobs - our jobs - went. Big business loves outsourcing. It saves money, which keeps the shareholders happy (don't you love how when a company lays off people their stock goes up?). The American that used to do that job that was supporting his family and is now applying for unemployment...not so much. You know who else isn't happy? Workers like me who are grateful for the job they have but really hates this outsourcing shit for two really good reasons - our fellow Americans getting laid off by the thousands and the fact that outsourcing DOES NOT IMPROVE EFFICIENCY. If our system farted and we couldn't do our work, I used to be able to leave my cubicle, walk 25 feet and get our IT guy to come over and fix it so I could get right back to work. Now, I have to fill out a form. Then I have to go to what's left of the IT department (everyone else was laid off) and THEY fill out a form. They then call a number which routes through the Philippines to India to put in a ticket, then I have to call India with the details of my problem. I'm already pissed off because I've already wasted 20-30 minutes, and now I'm talking to some dude I can't understand and getting more and more pissed because I'm asking him to repeat just about EVERYTHING that come out of his mouth. I really love the part when they ask how important my situation is on a scale of 1-4, and do I feel it needs to be taken care of immediately. ARE WE KIDDING? WOULD YOU FIX THE MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE I FLY WHERE YOU ARE, AND TAKE YOUR HEADSET, AND CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS, PLEASE! YES, THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE UNTIL IT'S FIXED MY ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING DEPARTMENT CAN'T DO OUR MOTHERFUCKING JOBS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Then I have to wait anywhere from 1-2 HOURS (or more) before they get around to fixing my problem. This is efficiency? This is worth selling out America and saving a few bucks?
Pet Peeves #8 - (Originally posted around 9/14/08)
1. Ungrateful, classless fellow musicians!
Saturday night, my band played a show. (Thanks to everyone who came out during the storm - I appreciate it very much!). What I didn't appreciate is the one individual who didn't have enough class to thank me for allowing her to use my rig. I had agreed to allow 3 other bands to use my rig to help out the bands coming out from NYC for the night. A simple, 'thanks for letting me use your equipment' is not only appreciated, it's the right fucking thing to do. Honey, I know my band is a tough act to follow, and I realize that as a bass player I just handed your ass to you. But suck it up. I don't need you to kiss my ass, but you balling your face up and snorting at me when I asked a basic question so I could get you ready for your set was pretty shitty. If you're going to have that kind of attitude next time you can haul your own cabinet and amp to an event we're both playing. Heffa.
2. People who have problems with simple words.
When I ask you to send me everything from your file on a particular matter, it isn't a matter of semantics. Everything means EVERYTHING. That means you toddle your narrow ass over to your file cabinet, open the appropriate file, and take out EVERYTHING. You then toddle your narrow ass over to your copy machine, copy EVERYTHING then send EVERYTHING to my attention. I don't understand why you have to receive 3 faxes and an email explaining this...and then you feel the need to call me about it. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do I need to explain it in another language? JUST. SEND. ME. EVERYTHING.
JEEBUS!!!
3. Phone solicitors...who don't bother to even try to get your name right.
YOU Ms. Solicitor-calling-from-one-of-my-accounts-person. My name has 5 letters. Five. My last name has 5 too. I'm already pissed that you've called me during dinner, but when it takes you one whole minute to try and figure out how to say my name, I'm ready to reach through the phone line and rip your lips off. Are you seriously this retarded? When I come across a name I know I'm going to have problems with, I take a minute to read the name to myself so when I make the call to you, I'm at least in the ballpark. If you are going to call someone who really doesn't wanna hear from you, at least extend the courtesy of committing to a pronunciation instead of stammering through a five-letter name like it's an exotic disease with 25 letters and containing 18 consonants. By then I DEFINITELY don't want what you're offering; but I do want to empty a cup of fire ants into your underwear.
4. Just because I have boobs, it doesn't mean I don't know anything about cars or sports.
I went to get my oil changed at one of those 10-minute joints. Overall, it was a pretty painless experience, except for...everything but the actual oil change. The manager guy tried to get me to buy an air filter for $25 helpfully advising in a condescending voice what an air filter does and a new one would help my gas mileage. "I'm aware of that, thank you." I say with a smile, wondering WTF he was smoking if he thought I was going to pay $25 for an air filter. Then he tried to get me to pay $69 for the internal filter. I told him I didn't have enough cash with me but I'd get back to him. By then I KNEW what he was smoking if he thought I was going to pay that! It gets better, though. When paying for the oil change, he asked if I would be willing to donate to the Boomer Esiason Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I said I'd donate a coupla bucks. He then felt the need to say that Boomer was a football player. I advised I was aware of that. He then had to mention he was a quarterback for the Giants. If you know Football, you know that homeboy should have quit while he was ahead.
5. Just because YOU have boobs, it doesn't make you alright with me.
I'm a thinker. I am proud of my brain cells and the fact I give them work to do. That means it takes more than hype, more than words, and more than a strong persona to make me give a crap about you. I don't care if you have a vagina. If I don't agree with your views, you having breasts isn't going to make me agree with you. A lot of people are excited about Sarah Palin. Again, I am a Moderate Independent - I'm part of the Swing Vote. Sure, it would be cool to have a female Vice President, but when a woman does make it to office I want it to be one who is going to fight for my rights, not take them away, as she will. I want it to be a woman who knows censorship of any kind undermines one of the best things about this country; Ms. Palin would rather force libraries to censor books. I don't need a woman in office who, if it wasn't for the opportunity to get Hillary's supporters to support the Republican ticket, would be at home squeezing out more kids without regard to their health and hers. I want a woman who is proud to be an American as part of this country, not like Ms. Palin, who was/is an active member of a group that fights for Alaska to secede from the Union. To those who think she'll be the one who will get people like me to vote Republican just because she has spunk, breasts, and an illegitimate grandchild child on the way is insulting my intelligence. And I don't like that one bit.
Saturday night, my band played a show. (Thanks to everyone who came out during the storm - I appreciate it very much!). What I didn't appreciate is the one individual who didn't have enough class to thank me for allowing her to use my rig. I had agreed to allow 3 other bands to use my rig to help out the bands coming out from NYC for the night. A simple, 'thanks for letting me use your equipment' is not only appreciated, it's the right fucking thing to do. Honey, I know my band is a tough act to follow, and I realize that as a bass player I just handed your ass to you. But suck it up. I don't need you to kiss my ass, but you balling your face up and snorting at me when I asked a basic question so I could get you ready for your set was pretty shitty. If you're going to have that kind of attitude next time you can haul your own cabinet and amp to an event we're both playing. Heffa.
2. People who have problems with simple words.
When I ask you to send me everything from your file on a particular matter, it isn't a matter of semantics. Everything means EVERYTHING. That means you toddle your narrow ass over to your file cabinet, open the appropriate file, and take out EVERYTHING. You then toddle your narrow ass over to your copy machine, copy EVERYTHING then send EVERYTHING to my attention. I don't understand why you have to receive 3 faxes and an email explaining this...and then you feel the need to call me about it. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do I need to explain it in another language? JUST. SEND. ME. EVERYTHING.
JEEBUS!!!
3. Phone solicitors...who don't bother to even try to get your name right.
YOU Ms. Solicitor-calling-from-one-of-my-accounts-person. My name has 5 letters. Five. My last name has 5 too. I'm already pissed that you've called me during dinner, but when it takes you one whole minute to try and figure out how to say my name, I'm ready to reach through the phone line and rip your lips off. Are you seriously this retarded? When I come across a name I know I'm going to have problems with, I take a minute to read the name to myself so when I make the call to you, I'm at least in the ballpark. If you are going to call someone who really doesn't wanna hear from you, at least extend the courtesy of committing to a pronunciation instead of stammering through a five-letter name like it's an exotic disease with 25 letters and containing 18 consonants. By then I DEFINITELY don't want what you're offering; but I do want to empty a cup of fire ants into your underwear.
4. Just because I have boobs, it doesn't mean I don't know anything about cars or sports.
I went to get my oil changed at one of those 10-minute joints. Overall, it was a pretty painless experience, except for...everything but the actual oil change. The manager guy tried to get me to buy an air filter for $25 helpfully advising in a condescending voice what an air filter does and a new one would help my gas mileage. "I'm aware of that, thank you." I say with a smile, wondering WTF he was smoking if he thought I was going to pay $25 for an air filter. Then he tried to get me to pay $69 for the internal filter. I told him I didn't have enough cash with me but I'd get back to him. By then I KNEW what he was smoking if he thought I was going to pay that! It gets better, though. When paying for the oil change, he asked if I would be willing to donate to the Boomer Esiason Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I said I'd donate a coupla bucks. He then felt the need to say that Boomer was a football player. I advised I was aware of that. He then had to mention he was a quarterback for the Giants. If you know Football, you know that homeboy should have quit while he was ahead.
5. Just because YOU have boobs, it doesn't make you alright with me.
I'm a thinker. I am proud of my brain cells and the fact I give them work to do. That means it takes more than hype, more than words, and more than a strong persona to make me give a crap about you. I don't care if you have a vagina. If I don't agree with your views, you having breasts isn't going to make me agree with you. A lot of people are excited about Sarah Palin. Again, I am a Moderate Independent - I'm part of the Swing Vote. Sure, it would be cool to have a female Vice President, but when a woman does make it to office I want it to be one who is going to fight for my rights, not take them away, as she will. I want it to be a woman who knows censorship of any kind undermines one of the best things about this country; Ms. Palin would rather force libraries to censor books. I don't need a woman in office who, if it wasn't for the opportunity to get Hillary's supporters to support the Republican ticket, would be at home squeezing out more kids without regard to their health and hers. I want a woman who is proud to be an American as part of this country, not like Ms. Palin, who was/is an active member of a group that fights for Alaska to secede from the Union. To those who think she'll be the one who will get people like me to vote Republican just because she has spunk, breasts, and an illegitimate grandchild child on the way is insulting my intelligence. And I don't like that one bit.
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