Pet Peeves #11 - (originally posted 10/10/08)

1. Having to stop for the damn school bus.
My apologies to my child-having friends, but nothing is a bigger buzzkill than being stopped by a school bus while driving to work. The bus is coming up the street with the yellow lights flashing, and I'm thinking, "Oh no! FasterFaster BEAT THE RED LIGHTS AND POP-OUT STOP SIGN!!...DAMMIT." Screech to a halt. Fuck. Now wait...(cue 'Jeopardy' music). But, that isn't the actual peeve. I only have violent tendencies when the school bus stops a line of traffic on a busy road and the damn kids m o s e y. S l o w l y. O f f t h e b u s. Or, a parent decides they want to have a chat with the driver, ya know, how's the weather, how's the wife, we should have dinner sometime, etc. It's even less entertaining when it's apparent they've just rolled out of bed and they look like death microwaved (see Pet Peeves #10) so I'm annoyed and now my eyes hurt, too. HEY!! Shut the hell up, get your kid(s) on/off the damn bus and keep it movin', sunshine! Which brings me to the next peeve...

2. People who enjoy slowing down traffic 'cos, hell, they're at work already so fuck you.
Hey you, Verizon truck driver driving 20 mph 'cos you're stretching out trips in-between assignments. And YOU Mr. Cab Driver who normally drives 100mph everywhere...unless you have to take someone to the bus or train station. So now you do 20mph just so you can watch the passenger sweat the whole ride, then make a mad dash to the train to either just make or just miss it. Fun! You guys been on the clock since 6am. Yay for you. It would be great if you wouldn't be such douchebags when you know most of the world is trying to get to THEIR jobs between 8 and 9. Honorable mention: Retired folks. I mean no disrespect because you're somebody's mommy or daddy. However, when it's 8:50am, you should not be in the left lane of a main road or highway doing 45. Remember, y'all used to work too and probably drove up on and flipped off the old man in the Buick clogging up the road when YOU had to get to work back in the day. Forgot about that, huh? Oh wait. You...really don't remember that. Sorry. Which brings me to the next peeve...

3. Re-test the elderly regularly to make sure they're still able to drive safely.
I love older folks, I really do. I love their spirit, experiences and their outlook on life. That said, the one thing they shouldn't be doing for the most part is DRIVE. it's not their speed (or lack thereof), it's their lack of everything else needed to drive safely. Reflexes, memory, coordination, etc. all of these abilities decline with age and with some folks (clearly) more than others. I was behind an old guy yesterday. Doing 40 in a 50, half over in the next lane. I manage to get out from behind him, and once I got next to him to pass I took a peek, and I swear, he looked like the Crypt Keeper. Homeboy was OLD. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were just blank, staring, like a zombie. The only thing lively on on him was his liver spots. I kept glancing over for a bit because I seriously thought something might be wrong. The only thing wrong was that he still was allowed on the road. Coupla years ago, I was flying in to visit my Grandma in Florida. She picked me up - and took me on what was to be one of the most terrifying 45-minute rides of my life. Once we got to her place (and I was done kissing the ground) she asked if I would do all of the driving while I was there. Does a bear shit in the woods and wipe his ass with a rabbit? Does a fat kid like cake? (I do!) Does winning 5 million dollars sound nice? FUCKIN' A! Once folks get over 70, they need to be tested every year, for their own safety and the safety of others on the road. Period. Which beings me to my next peeve...

4. Driving is a privilege, and they need to tighten things up in this country.
It's not just old people with declining driving skills. Apparently, people under 20 have no business on the road either. There has been discussion about raising the driving age, and I think that's a brilliant idea. No one can argue that most of the auto accidents claiming lives involve drivers under 25, and most people under 25 drive like assholes, gotta be cool, gotta be a tough guy at the expense of safety, learned from their daddy (who is a shitty driver), etc. I'm sure the grisly statistics would drop if the driving age was raised, and there would be less traffic on the roads, which is better for everyone and the planet, too. But let's not forget the people in-between 20 and 70, like chronic drunk drivers. If I'm not mistaken one Scandinavian country has a rule that if you're caught driving drunk ONCE you lose your license FOREVER. There, once the license is lost, they just accept it and don't drive. Obviously, in America, we're of the mentality that we'll drive anyway license revocation be damned, it's our damn right to drive (again, it's a privilege not a right). Other people are just crap drivers. Ideas: Change the Driver's Test, which is a joke. Make it more than just a manual and a cheesy written test. Make it a course (and course materials come in only one language - ENGLISH) that takes a few weeks with physical tests in-between under controlled conditions, and make it costly, like $300. Folks who just don't have the knack will learn they're better off taking the bus BEFORE they take out a family of five on the highway. If they fail, they can keep paying to re-take the course until they do. If they don't pass after 3 attempts, they cannot try again for 2 years. If anyone is caught driving without a license, they need to go to jail for a length of time that would make it not worth getting caught. The benefit of this is that the fundamentals of driving would be drilled into everyone's heads, not shortcuts and bad driving habits taught by Uncle Bobby who had his license suspended - twice. The State gets extra revenue, more jobs are created to transport those who can't pass the course, and the public shares the road with safer drivers. Everyone wins. Speaking of taking the bus...

5. People who talk loudly on their cell phones in public.
Dammit, would you PLEASE lower your voice? NOBODY CARES about your date last night, NOBODY cares that you told off so-and-so, NOBODY thinks you're a badass because you're talking about who you rolled yesterday for money that was owed you. But we ALL think you're an inconsiderate asshole trying to showboat how cool you are. We especially LOVE to hear you curse out loud and say rude things, 'cos it's oh-so classy of you. Does anyone remember discretion? We don't GIVE A FUCK about you and what you do and who you're talking with. Sorry. If this is what you do for attention, that's pretty pathetic. No one thinks you're extra special because you have a cell phone. Here's a newsflash - most people have one of those too, so no one is impressed. Even more annoying - people who yammer loudly on their phone...in a foreign language. GAHHHHH! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I can't possibly be the only person who loves to use the time on the bus or train to appreciate QUIET ME TIME. When you're on public conveyance, you're probably on your way to work (noisy, folks up your ass all day) going home (dinner, laundry, hollering children, chatty spouse, etc.) or going out to socialize (fun, but noisy). The bus/train time is a time to enjoy being incommunicado so you can be with your own thoughts, and then here comes LaQuita Jenkins ("I be tellin' dat mudderfuckah he NEED to be calling me and not dat other bitch!"), Mr. "The Man" HighPower Exec, "Well, I do these types of deals all day, usually deals like that aren't worth my time, but I figured I'd help Dan out, since he lacks my savvy in dealing with these kind of people."), Ms. Susie College ("Oh. My. God. Can you believe there will be no more TRL? Oh My God. And did ya hear about Linda? Can you believe she hugged Billy last night right in front of her!! Oh my God!! Yes she did!!!) and Elroy McCrip ("Ima bust a cap in dat niggahs ass who he think he playin' wit?) and Consuelo EnEspanol ("awholelottastuffcompletelyin95mphSpanishthatIdon'tunderstandspokenattopvolume"). I hate you people. Kindly go die.