Pet Peeves #19 (originally posted approx. 5/1/09)

1. Let it f*ck go already!
I have this relative by marriage that gets under my skin. Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy. He's intelligent, he's living comfortably and he takes good care of my relative. Thing is, he's one of those guys that think they know the answer to everything, especially when it comes to YOUR life. He loves to sit in his house and potentate about how he made all the right decisions and you made all the wrong ones. But he's gonna give you a break - if you follow his direction your life would be just perfect. It's a no-win situation - if you follow his advice you'll always owe him something and if you don't, he'll always be there to rub your errors (or what HE thinks are your errors) in your face. When it comes to me, he doesn't like my husband (believe me, the feeling is mutual) and feels that I made a mistake in marrying him. Now, mind you, he wasn't around while The Hubby and I were dating (1988-1992), and wasn't around when we got married (1992-now - this guy married my relative in the late 90's). Most people would think that a husband who is intelligent, hard-working, caring, supportive and gives his wife virtually unlimited freedoms would be a good catch. This dude-in-law doesn't agree - and every time I'm in his house longer than an hour and he gets to drinking I have to dodge catty, veiled remarks and unnecessary comments about how I could do better and how my husband is deliberately keeping me away from my relative, etc. If it sounds retarded and out of line, IT IS. We literally came to blows about it once. No, I'm not proud of that moment, but I don't regret it either. Most of you who know me personally know that I'd rather work it out than fight, but I WILL kick your ass if you intentionally push me to the breaking point. That night he did.

Soooo...a coupla years later we reached a truce. I apologized for going upside his head in his own house and he apologized for being a dick. My relative and I became closer than ever and we really have been enjoying each other's company. I still try to avoid staying around her husband any longer than necessary especially if he's drinking. But this past weekend, I stayed longer than I should have...and then homeboy goes right back into bully mode about my life. I was surprised, but politely advised that I'm very happy. I'm saying this while gathering my things at warp speed, even my relative looked exasperated and embarrassed. He was starting to needle me and I had to basically RUN out of the front door.

DUDE. You are on wife NUMBER THREE. THREE! Yet you think you're some sort of marriage counselor? Are we kidding? Secondly, I don't tell you what's going on in my life, so you don't know enough to comment. Mind your own business! Lastly, my husband isn't keeping me away from my relative, YOU ARE. Let it f*ck go already!

2. No, it's not funny and karma is a bitch.
As some of you know, The Hubby and I were packing up to move to Texas a couple of years ago. A fella named Matt worked remotely from Texas for The Hubby's job, and while they talked now and then, they started talking more often as our proposed move date got closer. He was a nice guy with a wife, two daughters and his son from a previous marriage. He and The Hubby talked about getting together once we made it to Texas (sadly, we didn't make it to Texas). Yesterday, we got the news that he had murdered his son and then killed himself. A passerby found the bodies :( Matt was doing well as far as everyone knew. He became born-again and seemed happy with that choice. He was working but also had a side business with his wife that was doing well. So well, in fact, he had quit The Hubby's job just two weeks ago. So to get that kind of news is not just horrible, but unexpected.

Now the douchebags at my husband's job just think it's all a hoot. Cracking jokes like, "This is what happens when you get Born Again!" and, "Well, he wanted to meet God...yukyukyuk". WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? This is a tragedy! We may NEVER know or understand what made him decide to take his own life and take his son with him, but to joke about it? Is your life so perfect? Have you no heart? Maybe you don't care about ever meeting your maker because you apparently have NO SOUL.

Karma's a bitch. Matt - R.I.P., and all the best to your surviving family.

3. Jesus H. Christ, you can't POSSIBLY be that stupid.
Sadly, this person is. I can't even describe too much of the situation without it being apparent who it is about, so I won't get all cryptic. Here's the bottom line: People are dysfunctional, but love should not be. I would like to think that love is at its best when two people get together and the best of them is amplified while the worst of them is acknowledged, yet managed. Love should not involve abuse. Love should not involve injury or jail. When you have to turn off the thinking part of your brain in order to be with someone, a bell should be going off. When all of your friends and colleagues practically beg you to run in the opposite direction of this person, a red flag should go up. Are you a masochist? Are you trying to push it to see how much you can handle? Is this your self-inflicted penance for the crappy way you've treated the opposite sex over the years? No, no one wants to be with you when you're with that person because we all hate what they've done and will continue to do to you. No one wants to be a witness to any more than they've already seen. This has the potential of being the mother of all train wrecks. But this time, I can't bear to watch.

4. You want a guarantee? Then guarantee you're not gonna suck! (This is long, y'all)
I never thought that I would be booking bands again at a venue. I've been booking a venue in Suffolk, Long Island and I am having fun booking up the schedule, meeting new musicians who aren't always Metal (in fact, most of them are not) and hanging out in a place that I really like. But the one thing I have NOT enjoyed is running into that infamous brick wall on Long Island known as The Cover Band With The Guarantee. If you're reading this, you know I'm a musician (if ya didn't, now ya know LOL). I have been playing for longer than some of you readers have been alive, have shared the stage with popular acts, gotten compliments on my playing from the merely famous to legends. But even now, when my band plays, we work for the door deal, whatever it is. As good as we are, whether it's our own songs or covers, we hustle and promote, not just because we want everyone to know who we are, but we know the more people we bring, the more money we make. It keeps us hungry, it keep us from slacking and shortchanging the promoters and venues that were kind enough to book us. When traveling we ask for something to cover our expenses, but we realize we're not Iron Maiden. We do know that if we knock your socks off, you'll want us back, which gives us room to negotiate because we've proven ourselves.

Too bad some bands out here haven't learned that lesson. I would NEVER begrudge any band who is excellent and fortunate enough to play in establishments that are in the position to pay them a $300-$600 guarantee for playing other people's music. Good for you, and this rant isn't necessarily directed at you. This rant IS directed at those bands who flat-out fucking suck but have the unmitigated gall to ask for a guarantee, and those who forgot that while you should conduct your band like a business, that playing music, especially when you are NOT doing it for a living, is supposed to be fun.

I have had the displeasure over the last few weeks of getting CDs or links from cover bands that were so awful they made me throw up a little in my mouth. Instead of doing a Simon Cowell and delivering the painful truth ("dude, your band fucking sucks") my 'out' is to advise that the venue is unable at this time to pay a guarantee. Which is the truth - it isn't. The venue lost their cabaret license for a bit, and the owner took it up the ass to get it back. In the meantime, people found someplace else to go. Aside from a great place and staff, hopefully I'm a piece of the puzzle that will bring the club back to form. But shit ain't like that right now, and I am not in the mood to listen to supposedly grown-ass people whine about getting a guarantee before they bring up why we should book them at all. Musicians should be grateful that a club owner wants to stick it out and support live music when he could have said 'fuck this' and let yet another place close or just maintain a jukebox.

Guarantees are based on the fact that an establishment or event has a built-in/captive crowd filling the coffers for you to be paid out of. Some venues just have not been able to cultivate a substantial "regular" crowd don't have the extra cash to throw at a band. They have to hustle to attract a crowd, and every dollar counts. No, the venue does not want to pay you 1/3 of what is in the register when you really didn't bring anyone and you certainly didn't promote. My favorite was the band that described it's supposed greatness in all caps, and then presented a show rider describing their needs for the evening like they were motherfucking U2. Are we kidding? I have to mention that they had two shows booked when I contacted them...and I purposely watched them NOT promote either show at all, which proves my point that many bands who get a guarantee have no incentive to promote the gig, so they don't. I also love the bands that insist upon being the only act for the night. I suggested that I could put them on at 10:30pm, and they could play as long as they liked, but I would be putting two compatible bands on the bill ahead of them. They refused, saying that they, 'didn't do things that way'. Hey asshole! EVEN THE BIGGEST MUSIC STARS HAVE OPENING ACTS. Who the fuck do you think you are? Seriously! Another hoot are the ones who say, "well, we're not kids anymore..." as if a) I'm supposed to give a shit, and b) as if I'm supposed to just pay you for surviving up to whatever age you are now. Not my issue! My issue is whether or not you're going to sound good and bring people into the venue. The rest is BULLSHIT that I don't care about!

I totally understand the desire to be paid a flat fee to play for a change - for a gigging musician, it doesn't happen often. I think guaranteeing the band will be paid something is awesome. But there are so many bands out there that aren't good that shouldn't be booked anywhere, much less for a fee. Plus, the reluctance of a band to suck it up the first time at a venue they've never played before boggles my mind. Why wouldn't you want to show you are worth the money and the block of time allotted? Your cover band is the shit? Prove it! Play a show for me on my terms once or twice and if you live up to your hype then we can talk about a guarantee. But why should I risk losing money and perhaps scaring off patrons just on your word? I don't care how well you draw or how much you can command somewhere else. If you can't do well FOR ME and you are not good, it means NOTHING.

So far, every band that has played for this venue I've been booking are very willing to come back again. Myself and my booking buddy bring in good artists for the patrons, we get a cut for our hard work, the bands get paid more than we said we would pay them, and the bar makes some money. Everyone wins, everyone goes home happy. And that's how it should be.

I hope that at some point once we weed out the weak, and the place is so crowded on the regular it's asshole to elbow. Then I can offer bands a definite amount plus some from the door. But of course, that offer will be extended to those bands that normally get a guarantee, but did the door thing once or twice to prove themselves, and the bands that played without bitching, were not egomaniacs, and weren't a pain in the ass. It will be my pleasure to give those bands cash when they come in the door and more when they leave. But the venue will never get to that point if we have to pay unworthy bands who don't promote a few hundred dollars to play the same cover songs we hear all the time...poorly.

I know, some cover bands out there are saying, 'well, everyone gets paid for their work, so the band should get paid too and we have every right to demand what we think we're worth'. Fine. But sometimes the perspective is skewed. The barmaid gets paid for slinging drinks and putting up with your shit because it's her job. The delivery guy got paid because there was a demand for what's he bringing. I want musicians who live to play and see every gig as an opportunity, not a job. Plus, is there a demand for you? If you truly believe in your talent and your support system of fans, friends and promo skills them you should not be afraid to show that there is and make me foam at the mouth to book you and pay your fee.

Lastly, if you're going to be a cover band and expect to be paid, BE GREAT or go home (and not being a dick counts, too). There are HUNDREDS of cover bands who all want a guarantee, and if I have to pay someone, it's gonna be the band that I KNOW is GREAT and who isn't going to be butt-munch. Period.

Providing and playing live music in a friendly, comfortable venue should be fun, and I will do my damndest to keep it that way as much as I can. If you're with that and willing to work with me, then we can roll. If not...oh well.